Anthony Bourdain
Anthony Michael Bourdain (June 25, 1956 – June 8, 2018) was an American celebrity chef, author, and travel documentarian. He starred in programs focusing on the exploration of international culture, cuisine, and the human condition. Although best known for his culinary writings and television presentations, along with several books on food and cooking and travel adventures, Bourdain also wrote both fiction and historical nonfiction. On June 8, 2018, Bourdain died while on location in France, filming for Parts Unknown, of an apparent suicide by hanging.
via Jeanne Love, June 12, 2022
“The good news is that I have successfully dropped all the bullshit, and the garbage cans have been thoroughly scrubbed and cleaned.”
Jeanne writes:
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I just finished watching the movie Roadrunner - a documentary about Anthony Bourdain and his career as a chef, writer and host. It finally came to one of my streaming services and I was led to it this afternoon. As expected, Anthony was right with me, looking over my shoulder and addressing a few things throughout the documentary. He was quick about it when he added a few thoughts, but his presence was clear throughout the afternoon viewing. He is still here now, waiting patiently for me to clear up a few things about his passing and to elaborate on a few statements or concerns.
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I still find him to be honest and clear, concise and quite powerful in his directness. It never seems to amaze me at how “present” he can be.
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Bourdain:
I have been waiting for some time to bring you up to speed in regard to my demise and why I left. I had to wait until you saw the film, as it fills in pieces that you did not know about me and which, at the time, I was unable to express. I am very grateful that since the time I spoke through you to your friends I am now much more aware of myself, the good, the bad and the indifferent and can speak to a few things that I stated a few years ago.
I was, as you could see in the last part of the film, really upside down in my consciousness. I couldn’t see it at the time, as I was consistently looking for the next high. I thought I had found it in Asia (my girlfriend at the time of my death) but was, like the old fool, shown to be out of touch with the reality of my personal choice in a personal relationship. I do have regrets to this day about how I handled myself or how I did not handle myself, and yes, I do feel as I look back on things that I was truly bi-polar, although I never allowed myself to think that I was anything other than an old fart heroin addict and that the compulsiveness was a direct result of a character flaw and not some undiagnosed mental disease. It ruffled my feathers to think that I actually had something chemically wrong with me as I would take that as a mental issue that would land me in a sanitarium of some sort.
It seems that my male ego perfectly clouded my sense of balance and even though I was very aware of my flaws I couldn’t or wouldn’t allow myself to walk further into the self-exploration of consciousness. And so, I took the outer journey to hide and yet there was so much that I saw that I overcame for a long time of what I feared most about myself.
Thanks, Jeanne for taking down my words. I have always felt very comfortable with you. It seems you understand the human mind much more than most, and as I am sitting here with you I feel an acceptance of my thoughts and my personality without judgement. You are truly gifted and have many insights that would serve so many if you were not so private. Ha ha…sounds like me wishing I had never written the first book. It changed my life so and I am grateful because of so many opportunities that it provided me and my family.
What I really want to say, besides thank you, is I want to clear up what I might have suggested in my original communication that someone or something took me out. I must admit that there was some confusion about that. However, as you saw from the film me ending my life was totally my idea. Granted there were other pressures from the outside, but it all ended up within my own personal system and I had gotten to the point where I just couldn’t contain my energies anymore. What I hadn’t addressed for so many years came right back to me and not only bit me in the ass but moved up and through my being like a poison being released from one bite of the poison apple. All the stored rage, disappointment, fatigue and frustration became this HUGE apple and I bit into it with a vengeance. Clearly, I was not thinking straight and had lost all sight of what was really important. I could no longer contain the demons within me. And they took over, bringing me to the point where I felt that the only way out was to leave. I had some strange idea that the people closest to me would understand and that the rest of the world wouldn’t really care because, after all, they didn’t really know me.
Well, very glad to have cleared this up. I do love a good follow-through, and this has been weighing on me for some time. The good news is that I have successfully dropped all the bullshit, and the garbage cans have been thoroughly scrubbed and cleaned. One of the projects I am working on now has nothing to do with the earth world. And I am enjoying the Hell out of it! It isn’t anything that you need to know but I just wanted to tell you that I am fully integrating and understanding my “theme” and moving forward as an enlightened being…lol…I just wanted to finish what I had started in our conversation so long ago when I first left. All of you really helped me to stabilize and bring me to those who could help me move forward. For that I am truly grateful…truly. And with the way things are going right now in the word…shiiiit…I don’t want to be there.
Looking forward to reading your book Jeanne. Don’t be so casual about it. You have a lot to say, and it is interesting as hell. You can handle the interest and there will be lots of support. From one writer and fellow traveler to another: Be real and everything else will move accordingly!”
Tony
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